This

20140331-222155.jpg

It terrified her
Love
The very idea of it
The fact that she could lose all sight of things that
Made sense
That she could lose herself
To someone else

And so she worked hard
To build the walls
A prison surrounding her heart
Her soul
Her essence
Never allowing herself to be known by others
Not really

She was determined
That nobody
No man
Would ever get past those walls
She guarded herself with a driven passion
Near to the point of complete isolation

Fuck you
Fuck you for breaking down those walls
No
Fuck her
For allowing you to get past

She was strong
Now
The vulnerability
Her naked soul
Bared for you
To see
To feel

She doesn’t understand
Words and meaning escape her rational mind
Discomfort
Anxiety
Fear
Of letting someone so close
So deep

But it’s done now
Through no choice of her own
It was her heart that decided
It was her lonely soul

Her heart beats for the first time
Her heart feels this
This thing
This…
Love

And it pains her
She is drowning in the overwhelming magnitude
Of feelings tidal waving over her being

She is lost in your forever
And she is yours.

Children

I never decided to have to have children
I decided to keep them though
They were the ones who decided to be born to me

And everyday
Having my heart split in three
And having the other two parts walking around outside my body…

I want to keep them with me all the time
Protect them

I complain of tiredness
Frustration
“It’s so hard looking after them…”

But honestly
When I’m alone
I don’t feel complete

And that is love
Unconditional love

X

20131014-230833.jpg

Choices

Choices

We all have to make them
There is no wrong or right
But there are consequences to the choices you make

As a mother
They say you have no choice but to love to your child
This isn’t true
Every mother has a choice to love her child or not
Those who choose not to
Should not have been mothers

You can choose to love what you do
Or to do what you love
Or do nothing and resent yourself and everybody around you for your unhappiness

Everyday I wake up
And I make those choices
I choose to love my children
Because they are a blessing
And although sometimes I don’t like what they do
Or their behaviour
I never stop loving them
Never

Everyday I go to work
And I choose to love it
Because I’m doing what I love
Teaching
Children
Making a difference
No matter how small it may be
And I’m grateful
Because so few are given the opportunity to do what they love

In a relationship…
Any relationship…
A friendship…
A love affair…

You make that same choice everyday
To love her
To love him
To stay
Or to go

It cannot be forced
Sometimes it’s hard
And maybe that’s why so many relationships don’t last

Because the choice to stay wasn’t made
The choice to be with that other person everyday
Wasn’t made

Sometimes it’s for the better
Sometimes it’s not

Either way
Choices need to be made

X

20131014-230626.jpg

Fierce

Raven

This is raven

She came into this world knowing who she was
Even though I didn’t have a clue

She waddles into a room and knows her place
Makes people fall in love her immediately

Confident
Fierce

She will do great things

Maybe not in the save your life as a doctor kind of way
Or make a scientific breakthrough

But she will changes lives
And she will move hearts

I don’t know why she’s here
But I do know
She will be

AMAZING

And I am so grateful that she chose me to be her mother

x

20131014-224026.jpg

20131014-224127.jpg

Good Enough

I’m never going to be good enough
I won’t ever reach your expectations
I make mistakes
I’m careless
I can irresponsible
It’s too little for you
I’m just not good enough

But what about what you don’t see
Refuse to see?
I’m so much more
Than a wife
A mother
A teacher
A friend

I am passionate
Loving
Generous

I try my best
I want to give my best
In all the little things I do

And if you don’t see that
Then there’s nothing I can do

Because I know my worth
And I am so much more than what you see

X

20131014-223947.jpg

Children

“Giving birth is one of the most beautiful natural things a woman can do”

Bullshit.

Natural, yes.
Beautiful, no.

The books don’t tell you.
And most mothers won’t either
Because they either want to forget…
Or they don’t want to scare you.

Maybe the books mean beautiful in a spiritual way.
Cos physically, it is disgusting.

Baby
Poop
Blood
Other bits
Being pushed out of your vagina…

Yeah it’s not pretty.

When I gave birth to my son,
My sister was there with filming it.
A few months later, we turned on her laptop to try and watch it…

And neither of us could.

I think childbirth videos are the stuff horror and alien movies are made of.

My daughters birth wasn’t much better, but at least I was better prepared.

A water birth
And the environment I was in made it more “beautiful” but nonetheless…

When i talk to my pregnant friends,
I tell them the truth.

It ain’t pretty.

It’s worth it…
At some point afterwards.
After the pain
The cramps
After you’ve healed…

But don’t be a sucker and expect it to be glorious and clean.

Seriously.

X

20131012-222036.jpg

This Life

20130813-210312.jpg

Sometimes i feel
So out place
In this world
In my body
There were times
before i had children
When i used to wonder
What i could have possibly done in previous lives
To have been born into this one
Why again?
Why arent i done yet?
One more time
But wait
Possible one more
Kai and i have already made a plan
For next time
One more
Kai and i
Another journey
But lets enjoy this one first my love
Enjoy this life
And when our time comes
I’ll see you in the next one
X